Write On Wednesdays Exercise 19 - Sunshine in a cup. Write the words of Emily Dickinson: "Bring me sunshine in a cup" at the top of your page. Set a timer for 5 minutes. Write the first words that come into your head after the prompt. Don't take you pen off the page (or fingers off the keyboard). Stop only when the buzzer rings! Do this exercise over and over if you wish. Write beyond 5 minutes if you like, you can link it up as an extra post.
First Attempt:
Bring me sunshine in a cup.
Let me drink it out of the mug, still warm from your fingers.
I will smile a lazy, happy smile. The rays of light will fill me to the brim. I will be full of joy.
Next, I will hand my cup to you. Share the love and the light. A wave of warmth will spread through me. I will forget the worn couch and the peeling paint on the walls. There will be grass at my feet. We are in a meadow full of emerald and flowers. Bees are humming busily and everything in the world has something to do. I rejoice in the sights and sounds, my light shirt whipping around me in the wind. The sun is shining and we are smiling. So much happiness I think my heart will break. The trees sway in the breeze as I find the mug and greedily take another swig before setting it down and wrapping my arms around you. Bring me sunshine in a cup.
Second Attempt:
Bring me sunshine in a cup. Heal my wounds, make me whole again. Child, I have stories that would make you cry. I know they make me cry. Bring me sunshine, child, My bones are too old to get it myself. Now, go out into the fields, find the right place, and sit down. Close your eyes and feel it all around you, feel it inside you. Let the sunshine seep into your soul, and erase everything else for just a moment. Erase all the pain. When your back is as warm as your heart, think of me. Think of me sitting in this dark room, not seeing anything. When you think about me, I will feel it. There is my sunshine, child. Bring it to me, I cannot get it myself.
Two so very different it's hard to choose ...
ReplyDeleteI love the first one, it made me feel all warm and fuzzy (always a good thing:).
The second was so sad, I wanted to carry the person out into the sunshine.
Both were beautiful Claire.
I agree with Stephanie, a favorite would be hard to choose. But, my favorite sentence is, 'When your back is as warm as your heart, think of me.' Beautifully done!
ReplyDelete*I mean I agree with Sarah! I'm sorry. I was just talking to my cousin Stephanie on the phone :)
ReplyDeleteBoth are great, almost two sides of a coin. They both read as poetry.
ReplyDeleteThe second one is a bit more like the theme of the original from Emily Dickinson.
ReplyDeleteI think they're both great!
I especially loved the second... :) Like Lillie, I also thought the stand-out moment was 'When your back is as warm as your heart, think of me.' Great job!
ReplyDeleteI adored that line too! There was such pain in the second piece. Very well written.
ReplyDeleteI love the first piece! The second piece was also great.. full of pain and sadness. But the detail of being in a field and everything in the world has something to do.. great line and image!
ReplyDeleteI'm with Melinda. The first is romantic to the point of dripping honey (which isn't a bad thing at all, just a little more romantic than my taste, but that may be because I'm all bitter and love-worn inside, haha). The second, I think, is much more powerful, both because of the sadness and because of the vast amount of implied wisdom and experience the narrator has. I can only wonder what kind of stories the old man or woman has...
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Both were lovely but I enjoyed the second one more simply because it was more powerful, had more of an impact on me. Everyone seems to have taken a sad note from the second piece but I didn't feel that. World weary yes, but those last few lines made me feel hopeful, made me feel love. The idea that someone can feel love and happiness through someone else is just lovely. The line 'When you think about me, I will feel it. There is my sunshine' really struck a chord with me. Like this old soul just wants to be remembered, that's all they need to feel happiness. I think we can all relate to feeling happy, love and warmth knowing that someone else is thinking of us. Beautiful :)
ReplyDeleteThanks so much for all your comments. I feel that after reading the two pieces, I agreed with you all about the second piece being the better and more powerful one, though I am not ready to give up on the first one. perhaps I will use the next rewrite to make it less sappy and more down to earth...
ReplyDeleteWow, Claire, I don't know which one to choose! I like them both, but I agree that the second is more powerful and thought-provoking.
ReplyDeleteBoth good - I will look forward to a rewrite of the first one - I really liked the way that love (or at least being "in love") erases the mundane.
ReplyDeleteI think that the first one was more about love in general than being mushily in love...I tried not to focus on who her companion was, but the feelings they shared. I am now very excited for the rewrite!
ReplyDeleteBrilliant.
ReplyDeleteThe first piece perfectly embodied the purety of sunshine and happiness, the words flowed as seemlessly as the warmth that spread through the character. Love it.
The second piece seemed to balance, I sensed it could have been a distant memory, the person from the first piece carried on as either the young or old character.
Glorious juxtaposition, marking this as a favourite.
These are both beautiful. Thanks for sharing.
ReplyDeleteI liked both of your pieces. They were both beautiful and poetic. Each had some lovely phrases. My favorites?
ReplyDelete"I will forget the worn couch and the peeling paint on the walls" and " When your back is as warm as your heart, think of me".
Thanks for sharing your writing with us
I liked both the pieces, but the first one drew me in more than the second.
ReplyDeleteI really liked the line, 'I will forget the worn couch and the peeling paint on the walls'.
Oh these two pieces, I liked the second better, even though it felt darker, sadder, it flowing more easily and kept it's tone. The first pieces is lighter and brighter, but there is change in tense in the middle which distracts. I love the poetic rhythm of both pieces and the wisdom they impart. It reads like the final words of an old crone on her deathbed passing her mantle to the mother!
ReplyDeleteI love both of them! Your words are beautiful and poetic. The first is so light and happy while the second is truly emotive.
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